How much you are you even when you are not yourself?

How often dose life slap you so hard across the face and pushed you over the edge, to fall to the bottom and seen the light?

I have too many of these moments. Somewhere deeply they hide, but they run out from time to time, just to give me a new slap.  I guess my inborn naivety and faith that ok people will follow through life, if you’re also try to be fair to them. Or that people will change over time, if I keep being good to them.

How much you are you in these moments, even when you are not yourself? How much do you remain you, when in those seconds you still belong to them, the ones who have changed you, who have afflicted you and disappointed you?

Do you understand, the “curse” that you carry in the depths, that inability to complete your departure, you have been hiding yourself? Do you know, you think you are all yours, but you do not see the truth, what you called and created yourself.

And miles away, and years away, you still hear their breath and voice inside of you.

The one who used to make you cry inside before, the one who made you break your own soul with an enormous amount of pain. That same voice that you so often and happily ignore is the one who still subconsciously controls you and your emotions.

You know, you’re not cleansed to the end. You know, in sorrow or new falls, those voices remind you of what you once were. You do not seek them then; you do not want these people anymore. No. But, sometimes you’re missing what you were.

And they are there as a reminder that you will never be the same.

Because if they did not cut you with the “glass” and leave scars in your soul, if they just passed their lips over your skin, you would not feel those strings. Neither the connections nor the personal hell you’ve been through, nor the past.

You wonder how many years it will take to make those voices completely disappeared and shut up? For them to leave you to be that different you. The one they made by pushing you away by turning their back on you.

They are not smiling also, you know. Likewise, your ideas and your voice stayed somewhere deep in them. To remind them of what they should have done and who once upon a time they were. So, trust me when I tell you, when you think that you’re all of yours, when you’re crazy, angry or sad, you’re not alone. And in these moments you are not exclusively yourself.

These experiences hug you, or throw you back to the bottom, so that this time you would fight harder and dig yourself faster. They come, sneak in to us, to stay until we look the truth in the eyes.  To understand, that no man in the world is entirely his own, not even when he is counted, calm and his happiest.

There are still some invisible threads, the bonds that make you want to go further with them, because you want to become that version of yourself, the one they wanted you to become.

It would be a pity, a big pity after all you have done to stop in one place and stay there. We all belong to ourselves, such half self’s and sometimes seemingly completely ourselves. To complement each other, add, subtract and encourage each other. Impressed we are all as the most beautiful and the most painful tattoos on the skin – others on the soul, such as they are to us.

So, ask yourself, are you yours when you think you’re completely yourself?

9 thoughts on “How much you are you even when you are not yourself?”

  1. This is such a great post, thank you for sharing! Holding onto ourselves in the darkest times will make it easier to pick ourselves up and overcome life’s struggles


  2. I think I am more me in those dark times, because it is where I grow the most. There is beauty in our struggles and tragedy, we just have to be open to seeing it. A wise person recently told me, the sun is always shining, but sometimes it’s just covered up by clouds.

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  3. Deeply touching…what i took from this is how much we owe ourselves to stay true to who we are even in adversity and not just in the happiest of times. It’s who we are then that can determine how we deal with bad experiences at the time and who we become as a result of it.

    I love this post, how articulated you are – and anything that’s thought-provoking and plunges us into a silence that makes us check ourselves.

    Johnny | Johnny’s Traventures

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  4. This was beautiful, and such a good reminder that we must always remain true to ourselves, even when it is difficult.

    Probably my favourite line of the whole thing comes towards the end, when you said: “It would be a pity, a big pity after all you have done to stop in one place and stay there.”

    I so agree! This might not have been your intention, but to me, this means we should always look to grow. While being ourselves, we should aim to improve and develop as people from our experiences, and that’s something I couldn’t agree with more.

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  5. Wow, what a thing to think about! We all go through hard times of course but I think the thing that can really help is staying true to yourself through them. Which is obviously so difficult at times but it’s important that we try. There’s definitely been times where external factors have completely overtaken me and I’m not myself at all.


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  6. This is such a thought-provoking post! At times in my life, I have felt as though I am completely not myself and have lost all control! I’ve learnt so much about who I am recently and use that to try and keep me grounded. Great post! xxx


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