The wind of change…

‘River flows in you’ – it’s a tune I always listen to when I don’t want to talk to anyone. I do not like those moments, when I close myself even more, behind the thick walls over which nobody can walk over.

It’s moments like these make the most beautiful songs and tunes, the real little masterpieces I keep locked in my secret drawer forever. I never gave anyone a key. And I was close, one step from it…

A friend of mine said this was a year of great truths. The year when everyone, ironically, drops their masks. I listened to her words and wondered what it would look like? And what does this mean for us who do not know how to act and manipulate? For us, who are ourselves all the time? Angry when we are angry. Sad when we are sad. Always open hearts for the people we love.

What does the year of truth mean for those of us who know how to accept the truth and who are trying to tell it?

It means that we stand aside and watch the hearts break of all who broke someone else’s.

And the heart can break in many ways. It is most broken by expectations. Just the ones of which it is persistently trying to distances itself from.

The truth is we all expect something, we all dream something, we all have that part of our soul that makes us get up in the morning and have the will to move on. Despite the chaos we are currently living in.

As I write this, I am letting one part of my soul rest from me. I bring one hope, one dream and one great joy into that my secret drawer. It is time for them to finally rest from my heart and my inexhaustible energy.

I watch the blooming lilacs, one of my favorite flowers and the grotesque irony of blooming prematurely, that everything came too soon and that I didn’t even manage, but already lived through the most beautiful and embraced the chaos of the ending. It lasted as short as one breath, and spent a lifetime in that little time.

For the first time, I truly understand the sentence – ‘Don’t grieve it’s over, look forward to what happened.’

For the first time, I realize that it must have been that way. I see all my mistakes. I see where I wanted too much, asked too much, and where I took too little care of myself. I see the bigger picture, because as I capture the emotions, I can stand sideways and watch the whole play.

And I can’t be mad. I can’t even be sad and cry over it, because it wouldn’t be me.

I wish my grandmother was here today, I wish I could hear her sincere and warm: ‘Go on little lionesses. Let go of what you cannot change. Just move on. You know there is always something to come. You know things always work out, you know everything goes wrong … just keep going, my brave little lioness. Just be who you are ‘

So I go on. I don’t know what tomorrow brings me. I do not know when this agony we will all find ourselves in will pass. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put down the ramparts I toppled this winter. I do not know anything. But I don’t even need to know. I just need to live day in and day out, in the here and now. No high hopes, no expectations, no emotional turmoil that throws the heart from the extreme to the extreme.

I don’t want to go back to thoughts of yesterday. I don’t want to think what I could have done differently. I don’t want to wonder what if it was. I can’t do it anymore. I put an I on that.

I don’t want to hear about corona and quarantine all the time. I do not want to listen to paranoia anymore. I do not want to be the one who constantly understands everything and everyone and the one who gives unconditionally. I no longer have the will to do it.

That’s the answer I asked for and got. It’s the ‘Wind of Change *’ I came across reading a blog post yesterday.

We always get the answers we are ready for at that moment. We always only get the load we are willing to carry. And we always have a choice. It doesn’t have to be nice and we don’t have to like it. It doesn’t have to be easy either. It can actually be one of the hardest decisions we have ever made. But…

There is always a choice.

At the end of a story, and at the beginning of a completely new but unquestionably mine, instead of being patient, loyal and understanding, I choose to be the moment that strikes me. I choose myself.

And that is my truth in a year when truth is inevitable.

Tomorrow is not written. Yesterday we already wasted. The only thing we have is this today. Let’s do the best we can with it, exactly where we are and with what we have.