To end this cursed year, we all just want our lives back

I listen to Adele’s velvety voice and her hit song ‘Million Years Ago’ and I don’t know where my inspiration came from to sit and write down my thoughts in these moments… not after a day like this. No, after we all suffered so much fear again and not after so many people were left homeless and some, unfortunately, without their loved ones…

This is the last post this year.

And I can only say – Go to hell! You angry, annoyed, heartless year. Go to hell and take all your evil with you!

Take away fears, upheavals, broken hearts, Corona, sadness and alienation. Take away the tears and let the New Year bring smiles back to our faces.

Take away your damn crisis and your virus, take away your earthquakes, layoffs, bankruptcies, disappointments, and all your negativity. Even the God and the devil had enough of you and I have never waited with so much hope for a new year, a new date, a new number in a row, a new chapter – a new life, because you screwed up our old ones.

I’d like to say I see meaning in this nonsense, but I don’t see it.

I would like to say that there are reasons for everything and that I firmly believe in it, but… I am just a human being, and as much as reason dictates my composure and courage, and understanding the fact that everything is transient and our planet unpredictable, so are viruses and earthquakes, something we can’t even avoid, just as we can’t even know where it’s going to hit us, and when it’s going to happen… I can’t. Maybe I don’t even want to.

I don’t want to give all these plagues a meaning, I don’t want to explain them to myself, because I don’t want sadness and unhappiness to ever make sense to me.

I want it to pass.

I just want it to pass.

I want our cities to be rebuilt and wounds to be healed.

I want the day to come when we will take off the devil’s masks and collectively throw them in the air, as a sign of victory! I want us to be able to hug freely, sit on the terraces of our favorite cafes and drink long coffees.

I want all my friends to have jobs, salaries again and not to worry about the uncertain future.

I want to forget all this.

I want the unfortunate to be comforted. To take care of those who have been left homeless, to build more beautiful houses and plant trees in our demolished streets, to renovate facades and restore faith in our hearts. Belief in something better. Into some more beautiful life. In some new tomorrow when we will again be able to be only human beings, not just creatures that exist locked in their four walls… and between those walls they do not feel safe because those same walls are constantly shaking.

I want us to find meaning again.

And that without fear we can extend a hand to a colleague and greet him, hug a friend, kiss the person we love.

I want to not stand two meters away from every being I love!

And I want no one to ever mention the word travel pass again!

I want everyone to get their life back. Just like that doctor said the other day…

I don’t want to hear every day about a new conspiracy theory, I don’t want to read more about who is to blame for the virus, I don’t want to worry about going to bed at night, for fear that I will wake up again with a shiver. I don’t want to be afraid to fall asleep. And many are afraid of that.

Many don’t even know where they will sleep tonight… and the next night.

Many do not know what awaits them, what awaits us all.

And that uncertainty is the worst thing we experience, that it creeps deep into our bones and that leaves a mark.

I want joy again. To everyone.

And for this year to go to hell… to find comfort together after everything we go through. That we can help those who are having the hardest time right now. To be their strength now when they are having a hard time, when they are in fear and when they have lost everything.

I want us to build our cities and our businesses and our lives hand in hand.

I want us to laugh again.

And it seems like I’m asking a lot… too much.

And that makes me angry.

That’s why I don’t want to give importance to this year. Although she brought me beautiful moments, she also buried them deep under the ashes of everything she destroyed. Life was so beautiful last year at this time… and it seems like a million years have really passed since then. It seems like it was some other life. And it was some other of us, because after these 366 days, this haunted leap 2020, we are no longer the same. We all fell apart at least for a moment.

We have lost, if nothing else, at least the time that no one will give us back and part of our humanity in our constant struggle against everything that has befallen us.

Tonight we are better people because we are united by the sadness and pain of loss that echoes from the newly destroyed Petrinja.

Tomorrow, quarrels over whether Covid is real or a conspiracy will take us away again.

We lost ourselves. That’s what she did this year and that’s why I want her to pass. Because I want us all to find ourselves. In new chapters of the new year, in better procedures, in better decisions, in hugs.

I wish us a fresh start. A happier one.

As much as we all together and each individually may have sinned sometime in our lives, we redeemed ourselves, we paid tribute this year.

In tears, homes, lives.

We deserve, better, happier tomorrow.

~ In my mind with all the dear people in Petrinja, Sisak and Zagreb, with love and support for their loss and hope for better and happier times.