What now? Just be brave!

How to proceed when no encounter, no touch, no word is real anymore? How can you go on when you can’t even smile a little at the mention of something? How to go on when you no longer have fond memories, when everything was fake?

How do you proceed when someone leaves a black hole inside your womb and your heart breaks into countless pieces? How come when that someone is still trying to wash himself by soiling what was only clean to you? When he continues to tread on it and spit because he doesn’t realize that his blackness can’t wash anything away.

What to do next?

With thousands of unanswered questions, with lives you don’t know, and you were a part of them? With people you just hear about, and you loved the same? A demolished house or this? Demolished house. Bankruptcy or this? Bankruptcy. This is perhaps just rape of the soul. Maybe that’s what it looks like. Long-term rape. And long-term emotional abuse, which in the end you manage to stop only by the actions of such people. Because with shit unfortunately you can’t in a human way. Stop him at last in his way and then move away.

Why did this happen to me? Because! Not worth asking. Maybe someone will answer you only when you leave this world.

Why didn’t I listen to intuition?

Because! Because you never trusted yourself the most! And because you never believed that the person you mistakenly thought loved you was the same person who would just wipe the floor with you shortly after, without blinking. And because you were looking for love in others instead of looking for it first in yourself.

Why do I always choose the wrong people?

Because! Because you didn’t even learn in your twenties, but only now. Is that why half of your life wasted? It’s not! Did the child inside leave you? Yes, for the most part. Have you stopped being an idealist? Yes, oh how quickly you stopped being an idealist. Have you begun to believe that this world is full of banality and full of inhuman without any ideals? Yes, of course you did. Do you know that no one will save you but yourself? You know! Are you going to read Bukowski a little now instead of the idealistic love novels and the like that you used to swallow and build yourself up with? You will have to. Count your friends before your nightmare and after! Did you run out of any? You did not! Who are you without? With out a non man who just looked like a man.

Then it’s good! You can move on! Collect all the leftovers, pieces, debris and lightly glue and glue and fasten them! Glue and solidify them with all the other real loves, children, friends, the sea, the mountains, the music, the meadow and the dog. And don’t ask anyone anymore to fill in the gaps that only you can fill.

The soul has remained whole and is still pure. No one was able to touch her.

Let her guide you. And it will be just as nice for you, you just have to be a little more careful. At first you will turn on every corner, you will not believe anything you see, but as you go further, it will be easier, trust me, but above all, trust yourself because you are the only one who knows how hard this was to pass, and you passed and passed is, and you finally learned. The measure of the ideal as it was in you unfortunately corresponded only to the extent of the harsh reality. Nothing less and nothing more.

And then how to move on? Nice! Sometimes crawling, sometimes walking, sometimes running, just without giving up and humanly and bravely.

P.S. This text is dedicated to my friend Maja, who in a blink of the pandemic had to go through a divorce form a cheating husband and had to learn how to be a single mom of 4. Love you babe and I’ve got you always and forever.