It’s not easy to love me lately

It’s not easy to love me, lately. I’m crying for a moment. For a moment I pretend to be fine. I plan for a moment and get angry at the whole world. I dramatize and go crazy. I close myself for a moment and stare into space.

I think about everything that happened. Why it happened. Did it have to be that way and could it have been different. I dissect constantly. In details.

I’m thinking about what tomorrow will be like. How much strength do I still have and am I as strong as everyone is repeating all these months.

And I am everywhere. Both yesterday and tomorrow. At least today. In now.

…

And most of all “in the now”, I was always with him.

I’m watching him.

He doesn’t notice it.

It helps me set the table. He puts the plates quickly and skillfully… He reaches for a bowl of salad with one hand.

I look at his serious face. With a smile hidden on his lips

I’m thinking…

How he is here!

I don’t remember, down to the last detail, the chaos that was going on. I remember, at one point, leaning against me as I lay motionless.

I remember saying quietly:

“Thank you!”

I watch how much he works!

I watch him laugh!

I see all our quarrels!

I see all the fears!

I see all the joys!

I see what we are together and what we would be without each other!

I see love!

I see a better version of the man I fell in love with less than 10 years ago!

I know it’s not easy to love me, lately!

I’m watching him!

He doesn’t notice it!

But when I whisper softly, “Thank you!” he hears it and winks at me, and a smile escapes his lips.