The famous prayer of the Sioux Indians reads: “God, give me the strength to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.” And wisdom is really needed to distinguish one from the other.
And that wisdom that is built all my life.
We all know that “we can’t change others – we can only change ourselves”. However, we constantly come across people who we believe can change at our urging, and they still don’t change for some reason.
This change would, of course, be for their good, although there is a hidden idea of their own good – it would be much easier for us “changed” with them.
You just need to make that someone aware, make him see, let him know that by his behavior he is doing bad things to others and to himself. Just that. However, this “only” is actually so much that it turns out to be impossible.
Women who want to melt the icy hearts of men
One of the most common mistakes made by girls and women in relationships with cold or rude men is that they try to “melt” them. Most often they do this by trying to arouse compassion in them.
They believe that they are soft somewhere inside and that all the cold and distance is actually a defense. They believe that it is enough to touch them in a warm and soft spot that they hide from the world and that they will understand how everything can be much, much more beautiful.
However, some people simply do not have the capacity for compassion. Compassion is literally an emotional capacity that depends on innate temperament, early family experiences, and many other factors that build one’s empathic “shallowness” or “depth” throughout one’s life.
And when someone (let’s say it’s a man) doesn’t have that capacity, there is no woman who can create it in him. Moreover, he perceives compassion as a weakness, and the honesty and exposure of the woman who tries to provoke it in him will be easily used to dominate her.
She tries to understand the incomprehensible
One of the biggest misconceptions in such relationships is that a woman cannot accept that his mind is so different from hers that she simply cannot understand it at all. She can’t understand why she rejects or ignores her every now and then for no reason. He can’t understand why he doesn’t open up and how he can be so selfish.
However, he is constantly trying to understand this. She spends endless hours putting herself in his perspective and imagining what he thinks of her, others, and the world. It’s sometimes so intense that he has a feeling he’s thinking his own, not his own.
It is literally a kind of conquest of territory – it is placed in his mind and tries to control his image of the world from there. However, this “conquest of the mind” is only in her head and has nothing to do with reality.
By staying “in his head”, a woman loses her healthy power of reason and creates an addictive relationship because she believes that he must first change in order to be better. Trying to help him (co) feel that his life would be more beautiful, he retaliates.
Constantly trying to change him, he sinks into the wall of his emotional coldness, which is a form of self-injury that eventually leads to emotional numbness. In the end, the one whose heart was constantly open remains so hurt that her heart is barricaded by defenses because of which she cannot later give love to the next partner who is really good to her.
Her helplessness as her greatest enemy
The basis of this whole entanglement is the inability to accept powerlessness. The inability to change him and the inability to understand him. The mind is a master of deception and constantly creates the illusion that the impossible is actually possible. He shapes fantasies, observes the world from someone else’s perspective, and, worst of all, finds it very difficult to surrender. Defeat is something he hates the most.
And that is exactly what a woman who “possesses a man’s mind” must accept – defeat and failure. He has to come to terms with the fact that he can’t figure out that non-empathetic man, that he can’t break into his thinking, that he can’t change him.
The sooner he realizes this, the less emotional injury there will be and the less emotional dullness and heart closure there will be.
However, all this happens automatically, almost instinctively, and while emotions thirst for unattainable emotional closeness, the mind works a hundred hours per hour trying out all possible schemes to bring it to the goal.
It’s easy to say: give up. It is easy to say: accept defeat.
However, putting this into action is much harder because it requires dealing with feelings that are not at all pleasant.
Sadness, helplessness, anger… These are all feelings that we really need to be able to see reality from our own perspective and think with our own head, not someone else’s.
We need these feelings so that we can recognize pain, protect ourselves in time, and turn to people who are approachable, compassionate, and capable of intimacy just like us.
Trying to “melt” a cold man or trying to make someone who is “unaware” that they are hurting other people is an assault on windmills. Understand this as follows: some people simply lack some neural connections. Recent brain research shows that empathic neurons are largely responsible for empathy.
So to non-empathetic people, these tiny neural mirrors are so stained that no one can look at them.
If you want to maintain your sensitivity and self-esteem, the only recommendation that really helps is the well-known one – change yourself, not them.
Instead of indulging in mindless conquest, admit your fear of injury and start bypassing them in a wide arc.
Mischievous Words by Marta 