WRITTEN BY MY FRIEND WHO BROKE UP WITH HER HUSBAND OF 15 YEARS TO HELP THOSE WHO HAVE BROKEN UP THEIR RELATIONSHIPS AND FEEL LOST
How to let go of the biggest and worst love of your life? This may sound like an oxymoron, but I’m also not talking about a relationship that almost worked. Today I am talking about a relationship in which you would give everything to become the person your “only one” wants.
Your downfalls may be the worst scars you’ve experienced as an adult woman, but they’re pale compared to ups and downs.
The depth of your love was infinite and your forgiveness was unwavering. You were noble and selfless, but at the end of that relationship, you were left with a void on your left side, sore breasts begging for air I couldn’t breathe. This is what I’m going through today.
I’m not saying the process is simple. It’s not
It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to experience in my life. I miss him every minute, every day. Most days I don’t feel like my heart is in my chest at all. When I think of us in the embrace of love, I am not teleported to years from the past. I go back in time to just a few days when he held my face and vowed his love for me without encouragement.
But what I have learned from this pain is that there is no one universal truth for relationships like this. No matter how much water is poured into broken glass, the water will always leak out. Love should not be conditioned, but forgiveness yes. “There are some things that are simply not said” – this is what my dad always told me.
There are boundaries that must never be crossed
From my throne of love and forgiveness, I looked at you and showered you both. You felt loved by me because I loved you. I forgave you because I loved you. I forgave you even when you didn’t deserve forgiveness. I forgave you even when you said things you should never have said; when you have crossed boundaries that must not be crossed.
So far, I have had profound experiences with loss. I lost my mother at an early age from breast cancer, and soon after that I almost lost my father from a terrible heart attack. I am not writing these things to make someone feel sorry for me, but to prove how much burden I can carry and how far I can endure when it comes to losing.
I was strong then, and I will stay strong forever
I saw a person in you who was wonderful and caring, that was my soulmate. But I didn’t see up close that caring person disappearing more and more as the end approached. I was a fighter! I was noble! I was strong! My love is infinite and my forgiveness is unconditional. Damn it! If I had to experience a loss, I never allowed it to be the result of my own lack of attempts.
What I failed to realize was that when I forgave unconditionally, when I accepted words that could no longer be withdrawn or worked on, then I was not strong.
I was weak in my beliefs
… Because it’s easier to believe in those parts of someone you love than to face the reality that you deserve better.
I firmly believe in the idea that with love you will never lose, but you will inevitably lose by clinging to someone. If I can sleep at night, and I know I gave you everything I could, loved as much as I could, even if we fail, I will survive. But obviously, I didn’t have enough love to fight for me the way I fought for you. My endless forgiveness, just means that I will continue to compromise parts of myself in an attempt to make the person I love better.
I didn’t break you, I couldn’t fix you, I’ll never be able to determine you. The only person who can contribute to active personal growth is yourself.
It didn’t matter that my love was endless. It didn’t matter that my forgiveness was unconditional. All the compromises I made, all the secret tears I shed behind the bathroom door, meant nothing.
There is a very subtle difference between fighting for the person you love and self-destructing yourself for him.
When you fight for someone you love, you are noble and selfless. You can put aside small differences because you value the love between the two of you, more than irrelevant arguments. Your pride then becomes a secondary thought towards the person you carry in your heart. But when you destroy yourself for someone, then you break some of the good qualities you possess in an effort to pass them on to the person you love. You compromise with yourself over words and deeds you would never accept before you label them “love.”
And when he leaves, he will feel justified and empowered. You will be left with a painful emptiness, and with loneliness that will border on the edge of intolerance and total evaporation of feelings for yourself.
Love is worth the risk. Even now as I cry and write this at 3am, this experience of mine is not something I would not like to experience again. I love recklessly, my love is sincere and deep. But what I have learned from this experience and pass on to you is that you must never lose yourself while loving someone else.
Do not forgive unconditionally, because in time you will not only love yourself, but you will also lose yourself.
2 thoughts on “You must never lose yourself while loving someone else”
I am relating so much to your post. Especially self-destructing for the one you love. I am 8 months into my breakup and it still hurts but not as much as being with him and self-destructing to try and save us
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