It’s me, all my troubles, all my dreams. I am all my sorrows, all my scars, all my unhealed wounds.
I am fickle as the wind, melancholic as a song, wild as a swollen river. I am the one who strives for heights but is afraid of them. I am a hard-spoken word like a deadly arrow, I am a gentle soul hidden under the guise of a serious expression. I am the one who knows her truth, the one who is not afraid to be alone.
I have my troubles, I have my sorrows. They come to our apartment at the beginning of summer. They discover me in the middle of the night and hug me until morning with their questions and unquenchable longings. I have my fears, which are as real as most real sci-fi movies. The biggest fear I have is the fear of losing or not fully expressing who I am.
Fear that I won’t complete the full circle before I convey the messages I want fear that I will go out like a candle in the dark without reaching full light. It’s a fear I’ve felt since childhood. Aware of the passing of time and energy, I try to stay composed and pick each new day like the most beautiful flower. I have deep scars and half-healed wounds.
Wounds that I don’t like digging, into because every time I dig, I discover a new level of pain. Thinking that what was buried a long time ago cannot disable us, we are deceiving ourselves. Facing the wounds is the only way out. Life adds salt to wounds, gradually. It brings us back to completing some lessons we chose to suppress. If you think you are not making progress, ask yourself how deep and visible your wounds are. Have they healed or do they still hurt? I have my sleepless nights, and I have duality like the moon…
Only at the night do I discover all my colors, and I become who I am. I have my difficult moments and free words, which I keep under the facade waiting for the moment when I will release them. They comfort me because they can really cut worse than a sword. I have and hide my tenderness, knowing that most people will not appreciate it. I only open up to those closest to me. I enjoy life only with the chosen ones. Because I never liked being part of the crowd, I always stood alone behind the scenes. Observed and absorbed. I realized a long time ago that everything I am, I have.
I kept my lessons and my thoughts to myself so frantically, thinking it would help me never lose them, never take them away. I forgot that the thoughts and lessons stored in the soul’s storehouse are not helpful to me or to you. They just collect dust on my soul, and not letting them go further I feel anxiety suffocating me. Got it, we were made to learn from each other. Where will you be more beautiful and easier than learning from other people’s mistakes? Spreading your thoughts, your emotions and your energy is a big and exhausting job. Recognizing someone else’s suffering, doubt and sadness are not easy. But sharing yourself to help someone gives a special sense of fulfillment.
No one can take away your thoughts, and no one can make them wipe away all the ugly with one stroke. But there are some people whose presence opens eyes, eases the struggle, and heals wounds through conversation and understanding. Likewise, you can’t absorb anyone’s advice unless you let it touch your core, where it hurts. Be it a written or verbal message. If your heart chooses to remain closed and your mind is enveloped in fear, the message will not come through as it should. No one can make you struggle, do those million steps for you. We, who long ago realized that everything we are, we have, do not get attached to things, we also learn to let go of people. We welcome those who have decided to leave us without hidden intentions or anger, wishing them all the happiness in the world.
We understand that changes find their way to us in this way, closing many old and familiar doors. We know that we are only what we are and that we only possess that. We can only change ourselves, and try to influence the environment by sending positive vibrations and messages so that others can learn to manifest them through our example. We do not strive for financial success, we do not strive to be on a pedestal. We do not shy away from different, more reserved, cooler ones. We do not run away from our truth and we are not unhappy because we do not have what most have. Learning to stay humble and positive is the hardest job. Suppressing your negative sides, and trying to make the positive ones prevail is a daily struggle.
I am no longer afraid that someone will take advantage of my kindness, I no longer care about other people’s envy and disapproval. I’m not here to serve others, I’m not here to make fun of people, and neither are you. I am here to learn to love myself and then others. The one who understands and values himself, his time, and his talents, can reciprocate equally to others, without spreading dirty jealousy and ugly words.
I am here to be what I am, what the soul vibrates and the heart beats for. If you offered me golden shackles, other people’s rules, and other people’s ways, do you think I would give in? I have never followed the line of least resistance, but those extremely crazy borders between waking and sleep, my head always thick in the clouds.
I would not accept any imposed shackles, any gold or wealth of the world. To have yourself, to be aware of what you are, means to have everything. Even if it meant feeling incomplete, feeling confused… and that’s what I am sometimes. Many wanted to touch my little corner of the universe, to make me give up on myself and my dreams.
Many wanted and often took my words, bragging that they were theirs, appropriating my wisdom and lessons as if they had earned them themselves with tears and sweat. They tried to steal my identity piece by piece, thinking that they would build themselves faster. That this is how he will find his voice. You will never, ever find your voice if you trample over others and steal other people’s dreams.
I know, they didn’t like being them. I know, it’s much more interesting to be me. The one who always fights with windmills. She who swims upstream resists the tide. The one who jumps at every injustice and stands in front of the line first, risking being harmed because she stood up for others. The one who has her own face, who can look all people deep in the eyes, without being ashamed of her imperfection. Not everyone has those balls, some are born with them, and some are given to you by life. Life has never been for the faint of heart. The most persistent and loyal to themselves always survived the battles.
An original, not a replica. There are no two people in the world who are so identical that any of us would feel threatened. That’s how I stopped feeling as if my talents would slip like sand through my fingers if I managed to manifest them and express them. That’s how I realized, that if there are still those who will gladly deny me, and steal parts of me, they will never be able to outsmart the original version. Because I’m always ten steps ahead. And if there is no way, I will certainly invent one. I don’t follow others, and neither should you.
Others should be a lesson or an inspiration to you, not an urge to be the same. We were created to enjoy each other’s differences. To mix like warm and cold currents, to travel together and touch each other to build each other up. Above all, have yourself, know and accept everything you are. Whether you scratch and find under the mask good or bad, know that you have the power to change the outcome and your trajectory.
I love everything that I am. I like myself as shaggy, disorganized, chaotic, and nervous. I like myself relaxed, cheerful, warm, and sincere. I love people who change me, who continue to teach me how colorful life is, and who teach us that we need to think about everything 10 times in order to see.
Everything that I am embraces me, envelops me in the safety of the night, pushes me to continue on the same path, to laugh at my enemies, at those who were so happy to look at me at the bottom. Everything that I am makes me continue to explore, to continue to expand, and to progress. All that I am is good. Everything I have is mine. What you have, what you have, is yours. What you who judge have is yours, not mine. It is mine to put aside all sorrows and ill-intentioned words. It is mine to dance and keep smiling through life.
5 thoughts on “I live everything that I carry inside me”
Your writing is so incredible and relatable!!! Fear is a enemy disguised as a best friend
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Love this! These are some of the most helpful lessons in life we can all learn from. In particular, I forgive and I continue really stuck out to me in terms of things I’ve learned over the years. Very thought provoking post thank you for sharing~ 🙂
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This was a very impactful read. I love how it went through the stages of forgive, love and accept. There was a bit part of acknowledgement, but those lasts ones stood out to me. It really is about embracing who you are and being consistent in what you do. The same goes with the wounds you have from back in the day. They have made you who you are right now. We all have a baggage and we can decide to make it all a bit lighter by accepting who we are. Thanks for this post.
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A fabulous post. Your words here really are wonderful and it made for a compelling read. Thanks for sharing.
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Such a great post – thank you for sharing!
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