“Choose yourself.” This a statement that has been said, written, and quoted so many times that I’m afraid, many people never really discover the true meaning of, it because “choose yourself” boils down to the idea of turning your nose up and abandoning someone or something.
However, choosing yourself does not mean rising to some false throne or abandoning someone, it means choosing yourself where until now we have not chosen ourselves, and we were not even aware that we are not choosing ourselves, but we are rising up and agreeing. We agree to compromises that really aren’t.
My texts are extremely popular and each one raises a lot of dust. They are dedicated to women because I am a woman and I can best express myself through my point of view and my experience. But as such, they often encounter condemnation, criticism, or insults from the opposite sex.
Men don’t like someone exposing their bad sides, dissecting them, and exposing them as plain as day. Someone who is also a woman. When I describe how they operate, and how they manipulate and often abuse women, there are such comments, messages, and emails that a dog with butter wouldn’t lick them. But I don’t adapt to them.
In fact, I often block them from my profiles. Because if they can’t do it politely and with good intentions, they won’t at all.
Why do I mention that?
Because I often get requests that the texts I write should be sexually and gender-neutral.
If I agreed to that, I would choose someone else, someone else’s desires, ideas, attitudes, and needs and put them before my own.
And I don’t intend to do that.
First of all, because my 10 fingers started this, raised it to the rank that it is today, invested a lot of time, nerves, effort, work, writing, and money into it, and made it a place for women.
And because of that, there is no compromise.
If men want to read gender-neutral articles, they can go to another site.
Look, I could compromise, but I don’t want to.
Compromises and “compromises”
In many things in life, I am not ready to compromise.
That’s why I annoy a lot of people, but that’s also why I’m incredibly successful. Because I know who I am, what I want, and where I’m going.
There is no compromise for situations when I see myself putting myself down, for someone else’s happiness or benefit. There is no compromise where I have to put myself in a mold, reduce myself or adapt to others because, well, then they will be less sad, or they won’t be unhappy.
Their emotions are their responsibility, not mine.
The fact that some guy would like to have coffee with me or would like to be with me, and I have no sympathy for him, let alone emotions, is his problem. And the fact that he will be sad or angry is also his problem. I can’t think of agreeing to have coffee with someone, just so that the poor guy doesn’t suffer.
It doesn’t occur to me to lower the prices of my services because someone wouldn’t pay that much, because it is “expensive” for them.
Make it expensive for him.
I know how many years of study and work I have invested in this blog and sites, and the fact that someone does not understand or value that is not my problem. He is neither my client nor would he benefit from working with me.
Self-confidence and a real sense of value is arrogance only for those who have not realized it in themselves.
I know I sound arrogant and rude, but I’m just being realistic. Because when I come to a salon or store and want to buy something, the people there don’t care how I feel about the price of a cream, book, or coat. They are only interested in whether I can afford it. And they won’t let me walk out of the store with that coat, because I’ll be sad if they don’t give it to me.
Do you understand?
The example is trivialized but it is illustrative.
Someone else’s expectations, i.e. someone else’s manipulation
How many people do you hear from how you have to “adapt”?
The needs of others?
From everyone and anyone who thinks they have the right to bind you as a person to their ideas, attitudes and wishes. And stick the label of selfishness on you if you as an individual do not want to adapt to it.
Especially if you are a woman.
Every time, my dears, some man emotionally blackmails you and thus defacto forces you to make a “compromise” that suits only him, you agree to put him first.
Does such a person deserve to be in front of everything and everyone?
Of course not. But anyway, in fear of losing that certain character, you will do what he wants and lose yourself in the process.
A man who loves you, but above all respects you, will never ask you to make decisions that are detrimental to you; physically, materially, or emotionally. Never.
And no, it doesn’t mean that women don’t do the same, but this is a portal for women, my texts are from a woman’s point of view and are dedicated to women who are ready to hear this. And for that, I don’t mean to apologize to guys who don’t like it. Because hey, they came to the women’s portal on their own and no one from here keeps it.
The same applies to family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and relatives… Their ideas, fixations, and expectations are their problem.
“You have to because you are a woman” – emotional blackmail
On Sunday, a relative started prompting me with something along the lines of “You need this like this and that. You need this and that… you have to, you’re a woman…”
I looked at her and said – I don’t need and I don’t need anything.
And that was the end of the discussion.
She looked at me dumbfounded, but didn’t say anything more because my guard showed her – you’ve already crossed the line, and don’t try any further.
You see, when you know who you are, people will test your boundaries less and less and ask you to do things that put you in the background, in some secondary role that is not meant for you. And if they try, the attitude you take and don’t give up on will put them exactly where they need to be – behind the line.
It doesn’t mean that you don’t love them anymore, you don’t talk to them or you cut them out of your life, it just means that they know that you have boundaries beyond which you don’t give anyone and you won’t allow yourself to be manipulated.
Choosing yourself means accepting that others don’t really like it
Of course, they won’t like your attitude. Not to everyone.
And of course, many will be angry, sad, shocked, or disappointed. But it’s THEIRS, not yours. It is not your responsibility and should not be your burden. You are not responsible for other people’s ignorance, other people’s personal frustrations, other people’s insecurities, or other people’s very narrow horizons. And you don’t need to carry the burden of their emotional garbage and ideas on your shoulders.
You don’t have to, nor is it possible for everyone in this world to love you, and you shouldn’t lose yourself for crumbs of other people’s love. Because every time you adjust yourself, reduce yourself and push yourself into the framework of someone’s wishes and expectations in order to get praise, approval, or “Love” from them, you are not doing anyone a favor. And you are not gaining value, you are reducing it.
Both in their eyes and in our own eyes.
Anything that is conditioned in any way is not love. It’s not a collaboration. It’s not a relationship. It’s not friendship.
You can say that an agreement is necessary for life, and I will partly agree, if it is really an agreement that both parties have agreed to, both know their obligations but also their rights. Both parties respect these rights and obligations and are satisfied with them.
But if they didn’t, it’s not an agreement or as many people call it “compromise”, it’s blackmail, and it’s the benefit of one at the expense of the other.
And it’s not choosing yourself.
Because choosing yourself means loving yourself so much that you will honestly tell the people you love – no, because what they ask of you is not good for you.
And it is very difficult to get to that level, because we are so programmed to be a mold and that we are only worth it if we persistently prove ourselves to someone.
Let people carry their own burdens
But you know what – Who cares about other people’s opinions?
For other people’s fixations and expectations.
You will never be able to please other people one hundred percent, no matter how hard you try, because it’s not up to you, it’s up to them. They are not good enough for themselves. Because if they were, they wouldn’t put the burden of their happiness on someone else’s shoulders.
In the end, I still adore that relative, but she knows that her frames are hers and that I, as a person, will not conform to them. Maybe she doesn’t like it, but she respects me and of course, she loves me.
Love grows where we know who we are and where we show it clearly to people. And if someone leaves you because of who you are and the boundaries you have, then believe me, that person NEVER loved you.
She was just using you.