I have always had the need to correct the wrongs and fight the windmills, because as… justice has to be gritted, more persistent, louder. Each time I lost my voice, broke my soul and cracked the last atom of energy without moving out of place.
Maybe it came, maybe it touched someone, but basically the world remained the same … on the one hand big and beautiful, on the other endlessly ugly and wrong. And that ugly has so many times broken anyone who tried to share beauty that I wondered what was the point? Is there one?
And I stopped. I have not let go of my voice since that day. At first, it seemed to everyone like a joke. They would say – now she will, she will say something, she will call someone, she will bang, if nothing, angry kicks on the floor – childishly naïve … out of protest.
But I didn’t. Day after day, week after week, until they grew into a year … and more. I didn’t know it then, but I stopped because I had changed, because I realized that you don’t change the world out there, you change it from the inside.
You change it by example. By silence and peace, you create silence and peace, and by shouting, you only make a lot of noise.
No one can hear you in the noise. In silence, your silence echoes.
What a lesson this was to me. For the first time, I realized that nothing goes forcefully, nothing can be done by simple resistance. A wall will always be a wall. With my bare hands, I will never move him. By forcefully explaining my side of the story, I will never get the one opposite to understand me. That’s not going. They see the world with their own eyes anyway. They see through their own glasses, through their own losses, anger, fears, hopes and disappointments. And if I continue to defend my truths, I’ll just look increasingly guilty. From my lips, everything will always sound like a lie to them.
I realized that time as time, the way we see it, exists for a reason. Winter is not rushing to become the summer; nor dose summer goes back to be spring. Everything has its ancestral course. Neither does the grass strain to grow, nor do flowers in the rain spread the petals.
Only we humans do not respect the natural flow. We would just do everything right now. We just wish the world would adapt to us. And when it does not, then the noise is created, then we demolish and burn. Then we make war. Then we stand opposite each other, screaming and unable to hear each other.
Literally we are not on the same planet then. But we persistently drive our anger. When it doesn’t go with words and insults, then it is a door slam. The more noise it makes the better.
So we sleep back to back, while our thoughts scream and we expect peace. We would like the other to reach out to us, and we pressed our fingers so furiously into our fists that our nails already pierced the flesh. We’re bleeding but we hold our anger tight.
And time goes on and creates a deeper gap, until finally the anger does its thing, until it separates us. And then there is silence. And at first it is so damn loud. And we will get sick of our own thoughts. And you think where the hell is that switch? Where do I put out that noise in my head?
And then again the time passes and you get used to the silence and realize that you are capturing patterns of your thoughts and why your mind is always fleeing into gray zones, places that cause you physical pain, and for some reason your mind thinks you feel safe there. And then you realize that this is just a habit, only an often-used apparent escape. A snare for your soul, because you did not know better. So you start thinking in your mind, spontaneously crafting a more beautiful world. And you know from the outside it looks like you failed. Because you no longer shout, curse, or pester anyone. Because you don’t respond to the first one, the fifth one, no one … you just let people be their own world.
You just stare quietly and don’t impose yourself, as you realize that all of a sudden you are being watched, everyone sees you, everyone hears you and understands you. And all of the sudden you are aware of the irony … When you fell silent, you echoed.
1 thought on “When you fell silent, you echoed…”
This was a lovely post Marta, I enjoyed reading it a lot and it really made me think 🙂
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