Do what you love and it could save your life

All of us have something we love to do. Maybe it is not profitable, maybe in today’s world it seems irrelevant, maybe you were thought that way. Since I have known myself I have dragged books around with me, and enjoyed reading them. I wrote out my thoughts on pieces of papers, then I would torn them and thrown them into the fire, in that the fire would burn parts of me that would sometimes, ceased to exist. Because I threw them out on paper, then they went irreversibly into the flames of fire. The writing was always part of me and I was part of writing. I somehow forgot that growing up, I thought that writing, or hobby, is something irrelevant, unprofitable and unimportant. I joined “real life”, “do everything by the line and you’re guaranteed to be happy”.

At one point, I did everything by the line, and life replied: “I’m not by the line and will not do it like that!” At one point in my life, everything so well-known started to crumble, everything I have learned and everything I have built got demolished on top of me. Through my body and psyche, the events were scattered one after the other, without hesitation. I graduated from college by studying for it, not by passing because my parents were some hot shots in Croatia. I pulled so many all-nighters studying to get my college degree as soon as possible. I finished it and I admire my diploma that is just standing on a shelf untouched because I’m not “fit”. I am not “fit” enough, I do not have blue blood or red pass to work in my own country, in a country that my dad fought for. That is me. When it comes to small things, I am sensitive as hell, when it comes to big things, I’m a rock!

After a few years everything calmed down. A life started to go “by the line”. But after those few months of calm, life again said: “Sorry girl. I am not “by the line”.” That frighten me, I was thought that if you do everything as you have supposed to do, your life should be good. You should go to school, get good grades, finished collage, get a job and go down that line. But guess what, life is full of surprises. Anyway I overcome my fear and decided I was strong enough to handle anything. I made a right choice, to believe in myself. In all of that, the environment I was in, closed the door on me. I was not part of them, and whatever I tried to do, they have shown me, nicely, with closed doors, how I was not part of them and how I will never be a part of them.  

When I moved away from Croatia I got my power back. I got that wind in the back and life went “by the line” again. It went “by the line” for a while. I meet amazing people from all over the world, I started to laugh more. At that time, I let go of all old, imposed habits and compulsion in the wind. Then I stopped to ask of myself to be perfect or to thrive to be perfect.

That perfection that I had to achieve, because I believed that only then would I be worth something took a tool on my health. Headaches, back pain, high triglycerides, weight gain, rashes and hair falling out. This what my fight with wind mills, Croatian labor market, perfection and trying to live life “by the line” did to my body.  My body is still returning everything I have afforded him. Even though now things are good and life is good.  My body is still recovering; I give him that right. Because the body always returns with delay. But before it started to recover I had to understand, accept and love the part of me that will never be like the other sheep in the flock.

In all of this, when I had it the hardest, felling like a person who lost everything I asked myself a question: “Ok, if I lost everything, is there anything I can give?!” Then I remembered whit what I was born. I remembered my writing. I never really stopped writing, I just put that on hold. In all this, I overcome fear. “What will those who have shut the door in my face say? Will they make fun of me over coffee? Let them! ” When I made my writing public, I knew that my life experience will help somebody, even for a little bit. Then I decided: “If there is only one person that my words or text will in any way help solve a problem, give strength, give hope, encourage them, I will write! Even if is just for that one person! “. Soon, I started to get feedback, not from one but from a lot of people. With thanks for giving them hope, optimism, support and encouragement. How much I changed their life. Yes, from those whose life did not always go “by the line”. In the “worst” period of my life, who did last for a while, I decided to do what I love. That is not work, that is love. That is some connection of me where there are no problems, no worries, no time and no place.  Incredible feeling of creation. And when you get a feedback that what you love to do had a positive impact on someone’s life, that is a pay that cannot be measured by anything.

My life is not in line just yet. My body is still paying me back for all the stress I have caused him, but slowly, my body will be back to his old self. I may write forever, maybe I will stop tomorrow. I do not know. I have learned that some prediction is too far in to the future. All in all, in one period of my life I have decided to do what I love and trust me that has saved my life.

Do not wait to be perfect, do not wait for someone to approve you. Do not wait for the ideal circumstances! Do what you live. It could, at the very least, save your life. And trust me and much more than that!