I am grateful for all the bad things that have happened to me

I sit between my four walls and think about how much they have already seen and heard. They saw me as a dream and create, they saw me even when I did not see tomorrow. They heard me laughing and singing, and they heard me crying.

They saw me lose hope and how it came back to me. They saw me getting organized and losing control. They heard my sobs, calls and prayers. They heard my cries of joy and cries of the soul.

And today… Today they see me a little tired but calm.

I sit between my four walls, on a chair that is already half-broken, but holding – not that much like the one sitting on it. I sway and turn around as always, I can’t be still, that’s probably why the chair is half broken. I drink coffee that is already cold, I tell myself it doesn’t matter because the end result is important. I laugh to myself.

I usually laugh in agony, but not today.

I used to stand on the balcony. I like to go to the balcony and watch the world around me because it helps me clear my mind, and calm down. But not today.

I was standing on the balcony thinking that today I have nothing to clear my mind from. I’m calm. I haven’t been this calm in a long time. I haven’t felt this safe in a long time. In the sense that I am confident in myself, and that I am in the right place.

I haven’t had such a small need to prove myself and show off in a long time. I haven’t felt this free in a long time, relieved of expectations and opinions.

And all I’m thinking about these days is how grateful I am for all the bad things that have happened to me. I know, you may think I’m crazy now, but I’m really grateful.

I am grateful….

I am grateful for every time I was embarrassed, one way or another, because it taught me that it’s okay to make mistakes. It taught me to forgive myself. It always bothered me. I forgive others more easily than myself, and it should be just the opposite. It also taught me to be smarter, to estimate more easily and to glide through life.

I am grateful for every person who was to blame for me. For everyone I gave my heart and attention to, and I didn’t need to. At least now I know what I want and perhaps most importantly – what I don’t want. It made me rearrange priorities and standards and I’m glad about that.

I am grateful for all the wrong choices I made. It was these wrong choices that led me to the right ones. They say everything happens for a reason. So I also believe that I deviated from the path for a reason, not to find the right one in the end, but to build myself and my world through the journey and find the right people and opportunities in it.

I am grateful for every tear and wound, I am also grateful for the depression I am still struggling with. True, it’s under control, but it’s still a long way to go. I am grateful because it strengthened me. It made me more resilient and even more capable.

I am grateful for every time I didn’t get what I wanted. Because after that I always got what I needed.

I sit between my four walls and think how I wouldn’t be what I am today if it weren’t for the bad things that shaped me. That’s why I’m grateful.

You be the same. Sometimes the best thing that can happen to us is precisely the tragedy that will get us where we need to be even though it was not our first option.

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